1.) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys." is not an appropriate career choice.

2.) I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.

3.) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

4.) Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

5.) I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.

6.) 6 is not the answer to every question on the OWLs.

7.) I am not to owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

8.) I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

9.) I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

10.) There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts. And I am not a member of that house...nor am I its founder.

11.) I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.

12.) Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

13.) I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

14.) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos".

15.) When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce "These are not the droids you are looking for."

16.) I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

17.) I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens.

18.) I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

19.) I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals.

20.) I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

21.) I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

22.) Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

23.) My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.

24.) Voldemort is not Ganandorf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.

25.) I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.

26.) I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.

27.) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

28.) It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF!" every time I Apparate.

29.) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.

30.) It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

31.) I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"

32.) Shouting "Lumos!" at the light switch will not help.

33.) Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

34.) Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

35.) When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmobile Robin!"

36.) I will not lock the Slytherines and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.

37.) It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

38.) I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.

39.) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

40.) I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.

41.) I will not yell "Believe it...or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.

42.) I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.

43.) When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good vs. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!"

44.) If knowledge is power, then I should be deathly afraid of Hermione Granger.

45.) I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.

46.) I will not make jokes about Professor Lupin and his "time of the month".

47.) I will not sing “We’re off to see the wizard!” when sent to the headmaster’s office.

48.) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, then I am to assume that I am not allowed to use it.

49.) I will not tell Grawp that "Hermy" will give him a kiss if he eats certain members of the faculty.

50.) Even though they are easier to use, and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters.

51.) I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" everytime they start to fight.

*Ugh! Ron and Hermione! (Gags uncontrollably)

52.) Having Colin and Dennis Creevy follow Harry around all day is cruel and unusual punishment.

53.) I will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.

54.) A good way to piss Hermione off: Write "Hermione Granger was here" on multiple library books, thereby banning her from the library.

55.) I am not allowed to declare an official Hug A Slytherin Day.

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56.) Getting everyone into the great hall to do the time warp will not earn me house points.

57.) I will not tell sir Cadogen that the knights who say ‘Ni’ have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell “Ni” from various directions.

58.) I am not the King of the potato people and I do not have a flying carpet.

59.) “Y’all check this-here *** out!” is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

60.) The whomping willow is not an ent-wife.

61.) I will not scare the Arithmacy students with my calculus book.

62.) I will not start food fights in the great hall.

63.) I will not dress up in a dementor suit and use a dustbuster on Harry’s lips to get him to do whatever I want.

64.) I will not tell the first years that professor Snape is the voice of God.

65.) I will not organize a Hogwarts fight club.

66.) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.

67.) I am not allowed to teach the first years to “the penis game” in the great hall during dinner.

68.) I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to “attack of the killer tomatoes.”

69.) I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the common room.

70.) I am not Xena warrior princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.

71.) I am not allowed to introduce myself to first years as Tim the enchanter.

72.) I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary war in charms class.

73.) “Draco Malfoy takes it up the ***” is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.

74.) I will not call Professor McGonagall “McGoogles”.

75.) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of “Knights of the round table” for the Christmas feast.

76.) There is no such thing as the chamber of Double Secret Probation.

77.) I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic transfiguration spell.

78.) I will not douse Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room.

79.) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherine Quidditch matches.

80.) I am not allowed to give Gryffindors Pixie Sticks

81.) I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore even if it would be amusing.

82.) I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.

83.) “OMGWTF” is not a spell

84.) I will not claim there is a prequel to “Hogwarts, a History”.

85.) Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.

86.) I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition

87.) A time turner is not a flux capacitator I should therefore not try to install it in a muggle car.

88.) I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

89.) Ravenclaws do not find the sign “The library is closed for indefinite amount of time” amusing in any sense.

90.) I am not allowed to lock Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter in a closet and see if hot gay sex will occur.

91.) I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the ministry are here.

92.) When asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling “It does DEATH!!” may be correct but it is not the manor in which one should answer.

93.) I will not tell Professor Trelawney I prophesied her death.

94.) Dumbledore’s proper title is “Headmaster” not “My liege”.

95.) I will not refer to the accio charm as “the force”.

96.) I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine.

97.) I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherine house mascot.

98.) Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

99.) First years should not be encouraged to befriend the whomping willow.

100.) I will not impersonate a Swedish chef in potions class.

101.) I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as “cannon fodder”.

102.) It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of “Selsun Blue” into Professor Snape’s personal postbox.

103.) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become.

104.) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

105.) Using engorgio charms on certain parts of the anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, even for entertainment purposes.

106.) Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled “Firewhiskey”.

107.) It is generally accepted that cats and dragons can not interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.

108.) I am no longer allowed to use the words “pimp cane” in front of Draco Malfoy.

109.) Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda.

110.) I can not Hadoken anything into oblivion.

111.) I will not refer to Kingsley Shaklebolt as “big black sexy auror.”

112.) Black Phoenix Labs does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as “veela pheromones”.

113.) My name is not Captain Subtext.

114.) I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley’s head.

115.) Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetic Corp.

116.) I will not go to meals dressed as Choda boy.

117.) If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books she would have already said so.

118.) I am not allowed to teach the first year to sing “a wizards staff has a knob at the end”.

119.) I will not ask Dumbledore to show me ‘the pointy hat trick’.

120.) I will stop asking when we will learn to make ‘love potion number nine’.

121.) I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

122.) It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall that she takes herself too seriously.

123.) I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.

124.) I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

125.) Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as “Admiral Naismith”.

126.) There is no such thing as an Invisibility thong.

127.) I will not change the password to the prefect’s bathroom to, “Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty”.

128.) Any resemblance between the Dementors and the Nazgul is just a coincidence.

129.) The Ravenclaws are not “Mentats in training”.

130.) I will stop asking the Arithmacy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

132.) I will not lick Trevor.

133.) I do not have a Dalek patronus.

134.) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

135.) I do not weigh the same as a duck.

136.) I am not a tribble Animagus.

137.) I am not a sloth Animagus.

138.) Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean they are mine even if I yelled, “Pwned.”

139.) I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the school library shelves.

140.) I will not bring a magic eight ball to Divination class.

141.) I will not provide Luna Lovegood with coast-to-coast AM transcripts.

142.) There is no such thing as were-thylacine.

143.) I will not refer to the Defense against the Dark arts professor as Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

144.) I will not refer to the Patil twins as “bookends”.

145.) I will not refer to the Weasley twins as “bookends”.

146.) I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of muggle life.

147.) “Liften Separatis Crotchum” is not a real spell.

148.) I will not start every potions class by asking my professor if today’s project is suitable as a sexual lubricant.

149.) House elves are not acceptable replacements for bludgers.

150.) If a classmate falls asleep I will not take advantage of this fact and draw a dark mark on their arm.

151.) Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. “Polishing my wand” in the common room is not.

152.) I will stop referring to showering as “giving Myrtle an eyeful”.

153.) I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore.”

154.) I will not go to class skyclad.

155.) Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filtch’s office is not appropriate.

156.) “I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a challenge.

157.) Growing marijuana and hallucinogenic mushrooms is not “an extra-credit project for Herbology.”

158.) No matter how good an Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

159.) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons nor will I insist that their house colors indicate they are, “covered in bees”.